They are headlines that changed the world: grisly depictions of the effects of Bird Flu, H1N1, cholera, yellow fever, and other pandemics. But today, from the depths of high schools nation-wide, comes a new epidemic that has not been used to conjure widespread panic by the media.
Well, start panicking, because you most likely already have contracted the disease. Ignavia anticuorum, the virus commonly referred to as Senioritis, is a slow, progressive disease. As such, many don’t even know they have it until it is far to late for medical treatment to take effect. The disease normally begins with the basic feelings of tiredness and distaste for school. Unfortunately, these symptoms normally appear within the first few days of a victim’s freshman year.
These feelings steadily grow into anger and frustration, followed by outbreaks of forgetfulness, coupled with a strange inability to focus. If caught in this stage, the effects of the disease can be reversed through intensive treatment, but one must hurry; the disease progresses rapidly from here. Within a few weeks, a patient will begin to experience extreme fatigue and a strange, insatiable urge to party.
Homework completion will steadily decline, followed by test performance. In rare cases, patients have been known to slip into what’s called a “Dropout Stage,” not unlike PTSD, in which homework and test completion drop to unprecedented levels as patients have no participation in school.
Next come bouts of mysterious illnesses, common examples of which are “Senior cough” and “Senior headache,” that are contracted as the disease slowly degrades the immune system. If some measures are not made to try to curtail the disease’s progression, eventually it will end in academic death. However, don’t be too alarmed; most patients, if they survive the initial attacks, tend to mysteriously recover once they enter college.
Note: If you or a loved one is experiencing any of the previous symptoms, please contact the CDC immediately. Knowing the symptoms is the first step to the cure; treatment must be received as soon as possible.
Call the number below:
1-800-SEN-ITIS
That’s
1-800-736-4847